Returning home to Australia

I moved to work in Japan for 9 years and now I’ve come back to Australia a few months ago.

While I am an Australian by current nationality, I have felt lonely since returning as I struggle to keep pace with the ongoing changes in society. I feel that I am a stranger living back in my own country, even though I still remember the culture by knowledge. I felt not only lonely but also helpless when all my good friends from before have moved on with their lives and were unable to help when I most needed, to adjust to life back in Australia.

However, there was a glimmer of hope to find my voice back and contribute back to the academic environment when I recently went back to university for my Masters. There was a group assignment activity where I was assigned to other people I don’t know well, but when they gave positive feedback to my ideas, I felt that I contributed well to completing the assignment.

I didn’t know who I was

After many years of hard work and climbing the corporate ladder, I realised that I felt lonely in my job as I entered mid-life.

I had spent years trying to be what I thought others needed me to be. I became very good at saying the right thing to the right person at the right time to get the right outcome. But I realised that there was a hollowness inside me. I felt fragile. Lost. I felt that I couldn’t ask for help because I didn’t know how to ask for help because I couldn’t describe my thoughts and feelings. I had a great job, a loving wife and children and was living a life of privilege, living and working overseas in diplomacy. How could I possibly be lonely?

A coach said to me: ‘Phil, tell me about yourself.’ I answered him by describing what I did for work and tried to impress him with my achievements. He answered, ‘That’s a great answer for a job interview, but I asked you who you are, not what you do.’

I couldn’t answer him. I didn’t know who I was. My way through loneliness started when I learned who I am and started to be more me in the world. I started to show up in work situations as more me and other people responded well and they started to be more themselves around me too.

Some aspects of connecting with myself have been tougher than others on me and those I love. I came out as gay and life with my partner and our amazing family makes me happier than I ever thought possible. Life’s full of soul-nourishing connection now because I’m me in myself and when I interact with the world.

The journey has been uncomfortable at times, but I have great support around me (and I support them) and I can say that learning from my loneliness has always been worth it.